Why you'll always be disappointed
Rob Newson • 16 March 2026
It's not them, it's you..
It's the end of the season and our teams have just played their last competitive games, missing out on opportunities for promotion in two separate competitions. In the space of a week, hope has turned into despair. It's time to regroup. It's also Friday, and instead of practicing, we scrimmaged for the last hour of training today.
Three teams; games to 7; 1's & 2's; winner stays. Nothing else was said, players picked their own teams.
With about 15 minutes left of the hour, my colleague asked if we should stop the scrimmage and talk to the kids. A lot of the possessions were of poor quality, in our judgement. Constant pull-up 3's, lots of possessions with no passes before a shot, 1-on-1's with poor spacing, and a lack of cohesion between team-mates. Maybe we should stop it and remind them how to play the game.
I suggested that we leave them to it. It was revealing. For me it wasn't something to fix, but something to observe and take note of. We thought that our players understood the game better than this. We thought they appreciated the art of ball movement, of searching for high quality shots, of collective defensive unity. We thought they enjoyed those aspects of the game, or at the least appreciated their importance. Alas, it seemed like it was every-man-for-himself. It didn't look fun to us, but this is where they were at. They were still very inexperienced basketball players, still quite immature young adults. It struck me that without the structure of drills, sets, and a coach's active presence, this is how they played the game. In that moment I realised why our teams weren't ready to reach new levels yet, and a quote came to mind:
"It doesn't matter what you teach,
It's what they learn that matters most"
Maybe it's disappointing to see this happen. You work hard all season and you think you're moving in the right direction, helping the athletes improve and giving the team a chance to be successful. Then you see the athletes relax back into their default patterns and realise that a lot of what has been taught throughout the year is yet to be integrated.
But disappointment is borne out of expectation and expectations can be very dangerous.
I thought about this on the long drive home, not for the first time. I talk about expectations quite a lot with the athletes, many of whom have struggles with losing games. Usually their negative reaction to losing is due to the unrealistic expectations. If your expectations are high and reality doesn't give you what you want then you have a hard time coping. There's disappointment, anger, frustration, bitterness, sadness. Athletes experience this a lot, but it's problematic in the middle of an important game. When the game is in the balance and you pick up your 4th foul due to a "bad call" there may still be time to act and make plays to win the game. But players too-often get side-tracked by the injustice of reality. They're emotions overwhelm them and they block themselves from performing at their best when it matters most. It's my opinion that it's the expectation that is to blame, not reality itself. After all, reality can only ever do what it does.
So what are we to do?
Analyse your own expectations.
Ask yourself if they are useful.
Make an attempt to drop as many of them as possible.
Consider an alternative: Setting Standards.
"Standards are not rules imposed by coaches — they are behaviours the team agrees to live by every day."
Albert Enoka
Become Unstoppable
We're interested in is athletes playing the right way, improving everyday, and acting in such a way that makes winning inevitable. Creating and maintaining explicit standards, in my view, is key to making that a reality. It also brings to light any individual expectations from coaches and ensures that athletes are aware of these, largely because they themselves will be the ones to decide the standards.
The difference between expectations and standards then, is about clarity and ownership.
- Expectations set you up for disappointment / Standards set your team up for success
- Expectations are often discrete and internal, sometimes even secret / Standards are guides for behaviour and are openly communicated
- Expectations are often our own / Standards are set together
So,
Instead of expecting your players to act in a certain way, set the standard for behaviour
Instead of expecting to win games, set the standards of play that leads to success
Instead of expecting people to treat each other with respect, set and communicate the standards for relationships in your team
Instead of expecting things to be different than they are, set your standards and work tirelessly with your team to maintain them.
Drop the expectations, set the standards.
Standards are not rules. If a standard isn't met, that's not necessarily negative. It's an opportunity for dialogue. It's a chance to ask: why isn't this standard being met?
- Is the standard too high?
- Has it been communicated effectively?
- Is there a disconnect with certain individuals?
- Is it related properly to what we're trying to achieve?
Setting and upholding standards is an ongoing process of refinement. It's a collaborative process that brings internal expectations out into the light and offers a voice to everyone in the room.
Work together to set the standards that you think will lead to success. When you do this collaboratively, something magical happens. Successful behaviours are more easily adopted. You get buy-in.
No-one wants to be told what to do. We want to own our success. When you set the standards in a collaborative manner, everyone owns them and will fight for them.
If you expect things to be a certain way, you'll always be disappointed.
We're always teaching and coaching the game, whether it's with 8 year olds who are just starting or professional players trying to win a Championship. But it's rarely, if ever, about just the game. It has to be about something more than just putting the orange ball into the orange hoop. If that's all there is to it, then I'm out. It's about discipline, team-work, communication, effort, responsibility, courage, leadership, belief, problem-solving, co-operation. It's about holding a space for people to have a dream, to own it, pursue it, fail, and start all over again. It's about running forwards and backwards, jumping, landing, throwing, catching, and lateral movement. It's about time management, dealing with adversity, managing difficult emotions, engaging in difficult conversations, getting up early, staying late. It's about balancing academics. It's about love, joy, and fun. It's never just about basketball. But it's always basketball. And that's why we love it.
Coach, I’m going to say something that might make you cringe: You are a salesman. I know, I know. You didn’t get into youth basketball to "sell" anything. You got into it to teach the game, develop players, and maybe win a few trophies along the way. But here is the hard truth: if you’re coaching, you’re in sales. Every time you ask for a defensive rotation, a 6:00 AM workout, or a specific style of play, you are selling an idea. And your players? They are your customers. The Authority Trap The biggest mistake we make as coaches of under-18s is leaning on the "Whistle of Authority." We think because we’re the adult in the room, we’re always right and they have to listen. We treat it like a dictatorship rather than a choice. But buy-in is always a choice. When we hide behind our title, we stop doing the one thing great salespeople do better than anyone else: Relationship building. On the court we're yelling feedback in the middle of play expecting players to listen and implement. Outside of practice we’ve become too comfortable with WhatsApp and SMS. It’s "efficient," right? Wrong. It’s safe. It allows us to avoid the friction of real conversations. If you want to build a real program, you have to be comfortable talking—face to face and on the phone. Every time a parent shows up to watch a session, that isn’t a distraction; it’s a lead. It’s an opportunity to understand what’s happening in that kid’s life outside the gym that might be affecting their performance on the floor. The "Pain" of the Phone Call I talk to coaches who are terrified of calling a parent "out of the blue." They don't want to be "annoying." But let’s be honest: Are you afraid of being annoying, or are you afraid of what you might find out? Picking up the phone to ask for feedback is risky. You might find out something important that forces you to change how you operate. The "pain" of making those changes is often why we choose to do nothing. We stay in the dark because the light requires us to grow. The Principle: Authentic coaching is an ongoing sales process rooted in the courage to prioritize human connection over the safety of perceived authority. What it looks like in practice: DO: View every pre-practice chat as "renewing the contract" of trust with your players. DO: Ask parents for feedback. Even the negative stuff is vital data that helps you serve them better. DON'T: Rely on "Because I said so." If they aren't buying what you're selling, you haven't explained the value well enough. DON'T: Use text messaging to avoid uncomfortable conversations. If it matters, use your voice. Why it matters The customer is always right. Whether that’s the player or the parent paying the fees, our job is to serve them. If you aren't selling, you aren't listening. And if you aren't listening, you aren't coaching—you’re just talking to yourself in a gym full of people. Pick up the phone this week. Ask a parent how they think things are going. The answer might be exactly what you need to hear to take your team to the next level.
